My name is Tara Bunnenberg

I am 20 years old

I am Imperfectly Perfect.

I have been through many struggles in my life. All my struggles have taught me that life is a journey, not a destination. You have to go through the hard times, to get to where you want to be. I was born with cleft lip, which is a fissure or an opening that forms before birth. Unfortunately not just your lip is affected, but other parts of your face as well, such as your eyes, nose, ears, cheeks, and forehead by being unaligned with each other. Cleft lip causes problems with feeding, can lead to ear disease, or can cause many speech problems. Luckily, cleft lip can be repaired by surgery.

For the first three months of my life it was very difficult to eat, since I had a hole in my lip. The hole made breast feeding impossible, which affected my weight, but it didn’t end there. As I grew up, I had many problems with my ears and always had to go to an ear doctor to have special tests done. When I was in high school, professionals came to the conclusion that my birth defect had contributed to my ability to read slower than others, or learn information as fast. My cleft lip has affected me my entire life. When I was three months old, I had undergone an operation to close the hole in my lip. My family was very grateful to have found such a great surgeon to do the surgery. After getting through that surgery, we thought the hardship was over. We thought all the surgeries and pain were over with but unfortunately they weren't.

 When I was eight years old, my nose began to collapse. I went back to my surgeon who referred me to a maxillofacial surgeon. He than told me I need another surgery because I was missing a bone right under my nose. In order to fix this, they had to take a bone from my chin and replace it in my nose. The Maxofacial surgeon, Dr.schwartz, worked with Dr.Gallagher, my surgeon from birth, to fix my collapsing nose. At the time, I remember thinking that this was the worst surgery ever. I came out of the surgery screaming that there were spiders all over me and I felt itchy. The doctors told me that I was having an allergic reaction to the anesthesia. I had never felt so much pain in my life! My face was purple and as swollen as a balloon. As I recovered in the hospital, my mother stayed by my side until I was better, but I had to go through the experience without my father. According to him, he couldn’t stand the thought of the swelling, bleeding or bruising. Even though my mom was by my side, this still made me feel alone. Maybe it’s because sometimes when you’re in pain, you feel more alone then ever.

 After healing physically from that surgery, the pain mentally started. From forth grade to twelfth grade I was known as, the lip girl. People who didn’t like me at school would yell out in the hall ways “hey look it’s the lip girl.” I remember running into the bathroom and crying hysterically. I didn’t want to be “ the lip girl” I wanted to be like everyone else and I was sick of being hurt. The mental pain got so bad that I barely went to school in middle school and high school. I would have at least 30 absences a year. This made me feel like an outcast. I felt ugly and started to really hate myself. I would look at the mirror and feel disgusted and saw the lip girl that everyone else saw looking back at me. This was when I really felt hopeless and so sick of being made fun of, so I started to sleep all day and live in my own bubble that way no one could hurt me. I wish I hadn't been so scared to stick up for myself instead of just hiding. I ended up hurting myself by closing myself in because I live a lonely life. Coincidentally, all of this bullying has made me the person I am today.

 I never thought I would want to have a job that involved people. I always wanted to be a vet because after years of bullying; people scared me. Now, I want to help people who have similar problems as I had. I’m going to school to be a social worker so I can talk to people about their problems, and help them overcome them. After the surgery in forth grade I really thought that was it, especially after all the mental and physical hurt I had endured. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the end of my surgeries.

 Just two years ago when I was in twelfth grade I started having trouble breathing from my nose. We went back to my surgeon, who told us that my nose bone had shifted and I had a deviated septum. So that year again I had another surgery. The doctor, Dr. Gallagher, fixed my deviated septum and since my surgeon was also a plastic surgeon she fixed my lip to make it look a little better. This surgery didn’t sound too bad but afterwards, I still felt horrible. Again something went wrong with the anesthesia and my face broke out into some sort of rash. On top of that, I started hearing things, like people talking or footsteps. At this time, I needed my mom a lot because I felt alone and so scared from the psychosis I was experiencing. Since I needed her attention so much, my step dad got jealous and angry, and ended up leaving us and blaming it on me! It was a horrible time. My mom couldn’t even look at me and eventually told me to live with my dad. Again I felt alone and I was so upset from this surgery. I couldn’t believe my mom, who was my best friend, told me to leave. I felt abandoned and hated myself even more because it seemed like everyone else hated me to.
 Months later my step dad came back and my mom still told me to stay at my dads a little longer. I was heart broken and felt betrayed. All I kept thinking was that, this all happened because of my stupid surgery. These surgeries have hurt me a lot. Not only physically, but mentally as well. I promised myself that I would never have another surgery again. I promised myself this because I didn’t want to have to need my mom again. I thought that if I did, my step dad might leave again, which would hurt my mom more.

 It is now 2 years after that surgery and I just went through the biggest surgery yet. This time it had nothing to do with my cleft lip. For years I have been saying, “take my picture from the left side because I have 2 faces.” I thought my different faces were due to the cleft lip. The right side of my face was much longer and distorted than the left side of my face, but it has been like that for years. Finally, this year my jaw wasn’t shutting all the way on the right side. I would chew gum constantly and just leave it on the right side, to take up the extra room between my top and bottom jaw. First I went to my orthodontist, who took x-rays and sent me back to the maxillofacial surgeon. My maxillofacial surgeon told me I have a tumor growing in my jaw joint that needs to come out, or else it will keep growing and will distort my face even more.

 I was in shock and so upset that I had to have another surgery because that meant I would need my mom again. The surgery consisted of taking my whole jaw joint out and replacing it with a rib. He also had to cut out some extra bone that grew in the mandible and the maxilla, than he had to shift my whole jaw to the left to make it even. It was supposed to be an eight hour surgery but it ended up being eleven hours because there was a complication. While going under anesthesia, my blood levels began to alarm the Anesthesiologist . I had Metabolic Acidosis, which is condition that occurs when the body produces too much acid or when the kidneys are not removing enough acid from the body. Its causes are diverse, and its consequences can be serious, including coma and death. The normal blood level for your acid is between 2 and -2 mine was -10. They had not one or two Anesthesiologists, but five, all working to keep me alive. My surgeon said I almost died because of it. This has most definitely been the worst surgery so far.

During the first week of recovery, the pain was so bad that I really thought I wasn’t going to get through it. It was with the help and support from my friends and family that I managed to stay strong. This experience of being in the ICU and almost dying, made me realize that every day is a gift and to live to the fullest because it could be taken away at any moment.

 I am only 20 years old and yes, I have been through a lot and these surgeries aren’t even half of what I have been through but talking to other people with similar problems has helped me tremendously. That is why I have decided to share my story with Imperfectly Perfect, because no matter what anyone tells me; I am perfect in my own way. Imperfectly Perfect is the perfect way to get your feelings out and to help others going through the same things you are, to know that they aren’t alone. I am delighted to have the chance to help others with their problems and the experiences they are going through. I know it will help me feel less alone as well! This nonprofit is so important to me because I love helping people and that is what my career is going to be about.

I want people to know they are not alone. Everyone suffers but you don't have to suffer alone!

 I speak for everyone who was born with a Cleft Lip, or anyone who has had surgery, by saying; that we are Imperfectly Perfect.

                              

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